Even By Study, And Also By Faith

In my daily meditation about life and meaning, as I have prayed for greater understanding about what is True, I have felt strongly that approaching Truth is always a process of building knowledge on a foundation of faith.  I have also felt that one of the dangers to learning Truth is attempting to build faith on a foundation of perceived knowledge (to need to KNOW before I believe).  This is dangerous for at least three reasons:

1)      I learn to trust myself rather than God assuming my eyes are more honest than His Spirit.

2)      What I “know” is relative based on my prior experience and how I apply what I have learned. 

3)      My truth is based on current knowledge, which means anything new I learn will necessarily rock my faith. 

Taking these separately and in more detail, faith by definition is a belief in things that are not seen but are True; faith is “evidence” of Truth (Hebrews 11:1).  I know a Truth by a spiritual witness rather than a physical one so that I am required to act by spiritual witness rather than physical knowledge—this is how I learn to trust God.  Most memorable stories in the Bible outline situations where the physical knowledge makes the spiritual test seem impossible for this very reason.  So faith precedes True knowledge by design.   

Second, building my faith on knowledge would only be possible if that knowledge was in fact Truth.  Unfortunately, the relativity inherent in the application of temporal learning makes it “my truth”, which by definition is different than “your truth” and therefore cannot be universal Truth.  This means my knowledge can never be the foundation for real faith since perfect knowledge, at this stage of my existence, belongs only to God (Ephesians 4:13; Job 37:16).  

Finally, it is too often that I hear someone say they “no longer believe” in the Restored Gospel or even in God because they learned “this thing” or “that thing”, which was in some way contrary to what the individual thought they “knew”.  Since "knowledge" changes and expands even in the process of normal spiritual learning, there is no way for perceived knowledge to serve as a firm foundation.  Instead, knowledge must be based on faith in Him who has “no variableness, neither shadow of changing” (James 1:17).  Truly God’s Truth will never stand up to our own (Isaiah 55:9). 

When I understand that knowledge is a process, built on faith, that is gained “precept upon precept; line upon line…here a little, and there a little” (Isaiah 28:10), I begin to participate in the process of True learning.  I can then learn Truth through the witness of the Spirit, which is the true litmus test of Godliness.  In this way I have a foundation that will never move and will never fail.  I am grateful therefore, to know little and believe much through the light of faith. 

Coping

We have spent the last week with family and a LOT of grandkids.  Young cousins, nieces and nephews are too far removed from Jordan’s experience to have much to say about it. Our children continue to respond as the textbooks say they should. 

Michael doesn’t shed many tears while he is engaged with family and friends, but certainly prays about and talks about Jordan whenever he is not busy.  Last Sunday he expressed how the principle of prayer has helped him keep Jordan near. 

Brooklyn gets emotional any time she sees a picture of Jordan or visits his grave and seems to understand the temporal finality of this loss fairly well.  She plays happily with family and friends but feels the weight of loss in the quiet moments. 

Tyler rarely admits to having any emotion but always sheds a tear when he sees a video of Jordan or we are talking about Jordan.  Tyler loves to say that he “left his eyes open too long” so they are watering, since of course he isn’t crying….  We are working to help him understand that sadness is still okay.

Aaron has unexpected moments where he will be engaged in some other activity and will stop suddenly and start crying and say that he misses Jordan.  Heidi or I will give him a hug and he will cry for a minute and then look up and say something like, “I am not sad any more”, before he stands up and goes back to his activity.  Aaron still asks regularly when Jordan is “coming back alive” or when he will see Jordan again. 

For Heidi and I, we seem, like Aaron, to be watching and waiting for a child that is no longer there.  Yesterday, with our four living children by our side, both Heidi and I stepped back into the room we had just come from to look for one more child before realizing everyone was already with us.  Jordan’s place in our family circle appears destined to remain empty but present.   

Aside from staying perhaps too busy, I have become obsessed with learning more about life after death by reading books including scriptures and near death experiences, and praying for guidance to understand what to do now.  I have also been praying to better understand the purpose of life, which is the details of salvation, and to better understand the process of finding Truth.  I believe a great deal and know very little; but I have experienced the Love of Christ and I know He will answer my sincere prayers and right now, those prayers are to better understand the Truth that leads to eternal life with my family.  I have been immensely blessed with a foundation of faith that has sustained me and I want to be sure it is solid enough to never fail.  

Never Forgotten

I don't think there was a "normal" before Jordan and there certainly isn't one now.  The daily routine consists of helping our other four kids, spending time at work, and trying to spend as much family time as possible. We stay busy (sometimes too busy) as a way to cope and to build family memories.  Even now, the quiet moments are difficult to find.

In the past month, we have been hiking several times in the Columbia River Gorge and Silver Falls, biking, walking, and playing at the lake.  We spend many evenings playing games and taking family drives.  We talk about moving or building a house in the country as a way to escape from the noise of a neighborhood and to further encourage the children to spend time together.  We know the relationships we develop, especially with family, matter most.

Every few days, all or part of our family heads to the cemetery for a few moments with our memories.  Even the difficult reality of that small gravesite, still marked by the sod added to regrow the grass, does not diminish the peace we continue to feel there.  This tangible memorial is one more way we keep our son near.

Often, after sitting with our own son, we walk through rows of gravestones to ponder the love and loss of others.  Somehow, we feel connected to everyone here.  We feel joy each time we see a long life lived well (as evidenced by the messages of love etched in the gravestones), and shed tears when we see graves of other children and consider the heartache that family must have felt.

Several weeks ago, as my oldest son was walking through these rows, he came across the grave of a 7 year old boy who died in the mid 1800's.  On the dark, worn stone were carved the words, "Never Forgotten." I pondered how, while the current of time most certainly moved his family forward and perhaps away from this memorial, while it may have been many years since anyone was here to visit, this child is not forgotten by a Savior who knows even the sparrow that falls silently in a field.  No dark corner, no remote island, not even a grave can hide this child or any person from the love of God through Christ.  I am grateful for that knowledge for myself, my family, and for everyone.

Charge Syndrome

A few of Jordan's studies came back this week and several more will have results by the end of the Summer. The most recent result shows that Jordan did in fact have Charge syndrome, which means he may have not only been unable to hear, but he likely would have developed vision issues as well as potentially having limited feeling due to diminished functionality of his nervous system.  While none of this makes his passing easy, it certainly helps to know that he is not only released from the pain he was feeling but from a lifetime of challenges that we had not even considered.