Coping

We have spent the last week with family and a LOT of grandkids.  Young cousins, nieces and nephews are too far removed from Jordan’s experience to have much to say about it. Our children continue to respond as the textbooks say they should. 

Michael doesn’t shed many tears while he is engaged with family and friends, but certainly prays about and talks about Jordan whenever he is not busy.  Last Sunday he expressed how the principle of prayer has helped him keep Jordan near. 

Brooklyn gets emotional any time she sees a picture of Jordan or visits his grave and seems to understand the temporal finality of this loss fairly well.  She plays happily with family and friends but feels the weight of loss in the quiet moments. 

Tyler rarely admits to having any emotion but always sheds a tear when he sees a video of Jordan or we are talking about Jordan.  Tyler loves to say that he “left his eyes open too long” so they are watering, since of course he isn’t crying….  We are working to help him understand that sadness is still okay.

Aaron has unexpected moments where he will be engaged in some other activity and will stop suddenly and start crying and say that he misses Jordan.  Heidi or I will give him a hug and he will cry for a minute and then look up and say something like, “I am not sad any more”, before he stands up and goes back to his activity.  Aaron still asks regularly when Jordan is “coming back alive” or when he will see Jordan again. 

For Heidi and I, we seem, like Aaron, to be watching and waiting for a child that is no longer there.  Yesterday, with our four living children by our side, both Heidi and I stepped back into the room we had just come from to look for one more child before realizing everyone was already with us.  Jordan’s place in our family circle appears destined to remain empty but present.   

Aside from staying perhaps too busy, I have become obsessed with learning more about life after death by reading books including scriptures and near death experiences, and praying for guidance to understand what to do now.  I have also been praying to better understand the purpose of life, which is the details of salvation, and to better understand the process of finding Truth.  I believe a great deal and know very little; but I have experienced the Love of Christ and I know He will answer my sincere prayers and right now, those prayers are to better understand the Truth that leads to eternal life with my family.  I have been immensely blessed with a foundation of faith that has sustained me and I want to be sure it is solid enough to never fail.