I know my heart is broken from this loss; that is expected. When I pass Jordan's crib and look down at the pictures of my wife and I holding him in our arms, tears of sadness well up and I find myself sighing deeply. These feelings are also no surprise to anyone who has experienced loss.
What is a surprise to me is that I am able to continue to move forward from day to day so quickly; to compartmentalize the loss and interact with others as if nothing ever happened. I return to my thoughts and these feelings of loss at appropriate times but I am bothered that I am able to get away from them at all. Somehow I want to be enveloped by it, to feel like Jordan is ALL that matters. I want everyone around me to stop everything and just miss Jordan with me. Otherwise, I am truly afraid that his memory will fade; that his light will grow more dim in the distance and that there will come a point that I will forget to look for it at all. I don't want to believe that there is anything to do but miss him.
I recognize that both this sadness for my separation from Jordan and the ability to move forward from day to day are blessings from the Lord and I am grateful for each of them in turn; but I still wonder at times if the peace of Christ that passes all understanding means I will not need to mourn as deeply, or if I am simply staying too busy to truly mourn at all.
I printed off most of your blog last month to send to Connor, because I felt he should know about such a precious member of our ward family. I came back today to see if I had all the posts and noticed that there were more.
ReplyDeleteI thought I would share my mother's experience of losing a child at 21 months to a condition that today is practically day surgery. She told me that the pain from the loss was so great that she thought she would die from it. She prayed for help and felt Christ lift the burden of grief from her. When I told her that I imagined that I would be a complete wreck of a human being if I lost a child, she told me that God didn't want us to be lost in grief and given over to despair and despondency. She said that she could have easily remained in a constant state of mourning. She had to choose to let Christ take the burden of grief from her. I witnessed the same thing when my aunt lost her 9 year-old daughter. I marveled at how these two extremely loving and tender-hearted women could face what I considered the unimaginable with such strength and faith. I count you and Heidi among their ranks.
I understand what you mean, I lost my 81 year old mom and best friend to a brain tumor only 4 months ago. While I had a few months to prepare for her death and care for her, I still miss her immensely. Yet I too am able to continue on with life and sometimes almost feel guilty for that...I know this is not nearly the same as losing a child but it must be a somewhat natural stage of grief. I am continually inspired by your story and the strength you showed and continue to show, as I have kept up with your story via the the Merritt family. God bless, Lanell
ReplyDelete