I am winding. I never know whether I am winding up or winding down but I seem to always be winding. And it is exhausting.
Today, like yesterday, has been rough. Jordan is back in Heidi's arms today and his health remains poor but is holding. The doctors are concerned that making any change, even a small one, may have a major negative impact on Jordan and so they have chosen to let him be for a few days. Once again, the Attending Physician sat with Heidi to tell her how gravely ill Jordan is.
I understand and appreciate how much the doctors want us to have clarity on Jordan's condition. They have an impossible job and If I were in their shoes, I would probably feel the same way. But sometimes--from my shoes--I would like to be left alone with what I feel; with faith that I can navigate between what I feel and what I see. Perhaps steering parents toward what can be seen feels like it lessens the burden of the situation--and maybe for some it does. But for me what is real is real and no amount of information will change that. I want the information, but am tired of being asked to look down when I should be looking up.
What I see is that Jordan's virus count is going down and his engraftment is taking hold--two miracles.
What I see is a very sick child with signs that his lungs and other organs are getting worse.
What I see is a wonderful mother who sustains her son with faith and love and who holds a beside vigil every waking (and some sleeping) moment she can.
What I see is a very special child who is fighting for life.
What I see is relatives and friends who sacrifice to serve my family in so many ways and who are sincerely grateful for the chance.
What I see is family members who because of Jordan, stop to think about others in ways they would not have done even several months ago.
What I see is a Father, who will do anything to bring my heart back to Him, even if it needs to be carried by an 8 month old boy to get there.
What I SEE is God--and that is enough. The rest is simply details.
We are all praying for you, Ryan and Heidi!! Jordan is mentioned in every family prayer! Thank you for sharing all the miracles, descriptions and insights. It really helps all the rest of us understand and feel (to a VERY small degree) what you are going through. When I read your posts, I am moved to look for the Lord's hand more in my own life. He is real and he loves His little Jordan (and each and every one of us) SO much!!
ReplyDeleteWhat I see are an amazing father & mother who are uplifting everyone around them in the midst of their travails. Jordan IS a miracle and has been over and over since the day of his birth. Thank you for sharing your journey and reminding us to look UP for the love that is there and the blessings all around us!
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