When it does hit me, I find myself choking back emotion. I am not afraid to cry, only surprised that I am so caught off guard by the tears at times. It still feels necessary to stay strong for my children, who watch my face more now than ever before and whose own emotions are tied closely to mine. They feel the weight of their brother's death but are also doing all they can to move forward, to survive, to be children.
On the wall behind me, a large picture of Jordan with his bright blue eyes watches over me as I move the crib to the middle of the room. Heidi has put away the medical equipment but many of Jordan's favorite toys and blankets are still there. It will be some time before these are removed.
In some ways, keeping Jordan's favorite clothes, and blankets, and toys, holding birthday parties, and setting places for him at family events will all keep Jordan alive in our family. In other ways this desire to keep him "real" for us and our children may make his absence more significant and perhaps more painful.
In the quiet moments I find myself considering how I am blessed with enough to be "sufficient for my needs" and that any more I work for is chasing nothing. I consider how much time I really have to spend with my children, with Heidi, and to work to serve other families with SCID babies. I begin to plan outreach to SCID communities as a way to fill the void.
In the room next to me, I notice Heidi sitting with her own thoughts. I know as a mother, her sadness is even deeper than my own and I wish I had more strength to give her. I offer her hope that we can feel Jordan in our home as we think about and speak about and ponder about the wonderful moments we had. I share how our service to other families will make a difference and how I feel angels continuing to bear us up.
A knock on our door reveals one of these visible angels bringing us dinner. Little acts that make a big difference.
On 7/31 will be Noah's 2 year anniversary of his passing. On his first year of his passing we marked that day to honor his life. We decided to create a "Random Act of Kindness" project called Noah's Act of Kindness Project. Last year over 1500 people committed to doing a good deed or several in honor of our sweet little Noah (my nephew). the 1500 or more was made of up friends, family, family friends, and friends of friends. This year as the days get nearer I will perform several good deeds and include one for your sweet boy.
ReplyDeleteHere are the links to our pages on Facebook and were we got the idea. I wish u all lots of love and strength during this time
https://www.facebook.com/events/214632738689902/
http://www.contracostatimes.com/rss/ci_21474323
http://missfoundation.org/support/kindness
Thank you; this is a wonderful idea and a powerful way to turn sadness into joy.
ReplyDeleteI love it. So many ways for Jordan to continue to bless the lives of many, including our own.
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