My Tribute

Funeral day yesterday was moving, beautiful, and perfect.  It is difficult to describe the outpouring of kindness from everyone around us and the tribute of service and sacrifice that was shared.  As part of this tribute, I want to share my thoughts for my children and others to read and remember:

My Tribute to Jordan Paul Janeway

A God Close at Hand

Jordan was a miracle—that much we know.  As Heidi shared, he was born and sustained through faith and prayers, and he blessed all he came in contact with. 

Heidi is also a miracle—who sat with and worked with and loved Jordan from his first breath to his last.  She stood by and supported him every moment she could and left his side only to be with her other children and me.  I am grateful for my dear and faithful wife. 

For a few moments today, as I reflect on the life of my youngest son, I would like to share with you what I have learned about miracles through Jordan.  My hope is that you will feel not only sadness for the loss of Jordan but joy in the knowledge that for all the sadness and loss we experience in this life, there is a Father in Heaven who Loves you, as he does me, and who is always close at hand. 

Before Jordan joined our family, or there was even a family to join, in the eons that preceded any of our lives here, Jordan sat with all of us in the councils of heaven to hear the great Plan of Salvation. This plan, put forth by our perfect Father outlined free agency as its central tenet—our ability to choose for ourselves to find misery or joy.  Part of this test was to have a life on earth where we receive a physical body and are separated from God for a time to see if we will continue to love and serve Him.  Jordan knew, as we all do, that time here is brief and that once completed, he could return to live with God again.

In this great council, Jordan learned that overcoming death would be possible not through his own power, but by the power of Jesus Christ, whose infinite atonement would pay the price for sin and death and bring all back to the presence of God.  There they would be judged based on deeds in the mortal life and the intent and character of their heart.  Those who died without the knowledge of Christ or in their infancy would be alive in Christ because of their innocence and ignorance to the laws of Heaven.

To prepare for Jordan’s time here, Heidi and I were given experiences in which we were shown that we would have a handicapped child.  For several years, we discussed this feeling and determined openly that we would accept the challenge.  (Oh the blissful foolishness of the ignorant mind.)  This knowledge that we were waiting on a handicapped child stood as a great blessing and comfort once he arrived, since we knew Jordan’s limitations were not simply an accident of nature.

After Jordan’s birth, as we became more familiar with our son, we saw more clearly the perfect wisdom and miracle of these limitations.  For example:

·         We struggled with how to teach our children to find joy in service.  Jordan required a constant focus and sacrifice from all of us, and our children began to fight to help and serve him.

·         We struggled to find ways to teach our children to communicate through love.  Jordan could not hear or speak and so we learned to really see the eyes as the window to the soul, where communication could occur in a moment more deeply than anything we could ever say.

·         We wanted our children to be more aware of the needs of others.  Jordan could not move quickly and did not express emotion clearly, so we learned to really watch to see and respond to the needs of another and to anticipate these needs in a way that eased suffering even before it began. 

·         We struggled to help our children slow down long enough to enjoy the moment.  Jordan’s life was often at risk, which caused us to consider,  and often talk about, our limited time here and to take every moment we have together as a blessing and a gift from God. 

For our family, the countless lessons of compassion, responsibility, love, humility, charity, and so many others have become a shifting point for us—a moment in time we know will serve as a foundation for all that lies ahead.  There are certainly many blessings and miracles yet to come.   

In the community around us, we experienced the miracle of angels—seen and unseen--, as family, friends, neighbors, and even complete strangers reached out with acts and words of kindness and care.  Here at home, our fridge was always filled with food, our lawn was always mowed, our email and Facebook and blog brimming with messages of love.  In Seattle, others in the midst of their own suffering paused to reach out and offer compassion in our time of deepest sorrow.

On one occasion, after the passing of our son, a woman who spoke no English, and whose own son is struggling with cancer, came up to Heidi to give her a hug, offer her condolences, and thank Heidi for the love Heidi had shown her.  Since she could communicate with Heidi in no other way, this woman put her hands together as if saying a prayer, looked up to heaven with tears in her eyes and said, “thank you.”  We were all touched and reminded that love is the greatest miracle of all.    

Nearly a month before Jordan’s passing, as we prepared for Jordan to receive his brother’s T-cells, I was filled with the knowledge that Jordan would survive the transplant. I turned to Heidi and told her this, feeling foolish as the transplant was to be a simple process.  Again, this knowledge became a great blessing when rather than a simple procedure, the infusion led to a shutdown of all Jordan’s major organs.

Over the next several weeks, as Jordan improved and the T-cell graft took hold, Heidi and I continued to have a sense of hope but also recognition that the time we had after the infusion was itself a miracle and a gift.  Rather than losing Jordan suddenly, we had weeks of additional time to sit with him, hold his hand, to have him touch our faces, explore us with his eyes, and even smile his unique and beautiful smile.  Each of our children was able to see him again and our youngest children were able to hold his hand.  Aaron was able to experience firsthand this promise of the Lord fulfilled and to know that he had been a part of saving Jordan for a  time. In fact, when Aaron heard the T-cells he provided had worked, he shot up from his bed and exclaimed, “I am a super-hero.”  He certainly is.  

The very last day of Jordan’s life on earth, as I walked out the door to church, I was impressed to pick up a book that is more than 1,000 pages long.  I turned to the one marked page and read, “Children that die in their infancy will be raised by righteous parents in the millennium.”  I called Heidi to tell her my experience.  Once again, this knowledge that God was near made the reality of Jordan’s passing feel not like an accident but like a process in which Jordan had done what he came here to do and was ready to go home. 

When I consider, even in the short term, what Jordan’s life means to me, I recognize that in 9 short months he did more to bring me closer to Christ than any other experience I can imagine.  My life is better, my relationships deeper, my moments happier, my faith stronger, my vision clearer, my hope brighter, my love purer, my family wiser, because of the love of Christ that shined through a little boy. 

As I look forward to the city of God where Jordan waits, I know that in the midst of crossing the vast and sometimes dark seas that lead to this city, when I am at times swallowed up in the storms and unable to see the sun above, Jordan serves as a stone touched by the finger of Christ that will forever provide light for the crossing.  And because of his life and because of the miracles I have seen and the knowledge I have gained and the love I have felt, I now know what I once believed that, “All things are done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things…and men are that they might have joy.” (2 Ne 2:24-25)  Even in the midst of losing a child.    

May God’s blessing, miracles, and light be and shine with you as they are with my family and may Jordan continue to be a light in your life as his memory shines on. 

I love and will miss you Jordan—my son.